2 steps forward, 1 step back

Hi, everyone. I know it’s been a day or two since I last wrote. I’m going to keep this short and sweet because I am at work. I was doing well and took some steps forward for some time, and then I took a step backward.  I also realized that I could be using social media to promote my codependent behavior…to be validated and heard by others and to also look a certain way to him. I know that he reads this and wants to follow my life and journey on social media. The thought of keeping a connection to him in anyway gives me relief, but it is unhealthy and not truly relieving.  I need to give validation and love to myself.  I feel like this should be a more private journey and perhaps not something so publicly displayed. I know he can see this blog too. I appreciate him admiring my positive characteristics and will to succeed. I just have to appreciate them in myself more.  I am happy to discuss successes and new news on here, but I want to scale it back and experience this precious time by myself. Thank you all for the love and support. It means a lot. My goal is to scale the social media back and to do the private journaling/reading/ soul searching more…for me, for nobody’s approval, acceptance, and validation other than my own.

Good Enough!

I’m sitting on my bed watching music videos to my favorite songs while having a nice text with my best friend about love, life, and men our age. As a single woman, the very best gift I can give to my whole self is love. This comes in many forms…like surrounding myself with people who elevate me, partaking in activities that support a healthy body and mind, and spending time alone with me to appreciate me. The depression has decreased and all I want to do is try new things and do new things. I even thought about skydiving, but I’ll stick to learning martial arts with my feet on the ground. Oftentimes I wish he were back in my life and next to me trying these things with me. I’m in a good place now and I’d love that. I also got a raise at work, so I am better financially able to try these new things!  I wish him no ill will, and never say anything bad about him because I can’t. It’s not who I am and it’s not how I feel. I still love him and respect him, though some things said to me were rather harsh and I FINALLY KNOW THEY ARE NOT TRUE. I am learning about who I am, what I like, what drives, me. I am sensitive and easily hurt at this time because I am working on building my self-esteem. I am not ready to think about letting anyone in right now. I hope to God I’d have a different reaction if this situation were to happen to me all over again in a few years. I should never surround myself with anyone who thinks I am not good enough. I should NEVER think that I am not good enough. It’s not about not wanting to be around people who may make you feel bad about yourself, it’s about having the self-respect to not engage with such people in the first place. It’s about having so much respect for yourself that the people who don’t THINK you’re enough don’t affect you or your view on the self. I broke down and allowed my life to temporarily become ruined. I vow to never let anyone or any situation have all of that power again over my life. I’m realizing that I am enough, because I am figuring out the first part of the phrase…the “I AM”.

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Unwinding after this very good, very bad, overall OK Friday

So it has been in the past week or so that I feel I have fully gotten my “mojo” back. I’m energized, working out again, eating well, and working efficiently at my job once again. I feel that I have finally rededicated myself to my life. This could be from getting back on my workout routine and better eating, just time, new habits, the universe, or all of the above…who really knows. I literally feel–and I often tell people this–that I was dead for the whole month of December. I wasn’t efficient at my job (I’m paying the price now because of it), I ate crap, didn’t work out much, and was all around miserable and sad. I let this happen, accepted it and then I stopped tolerating it. I feel a lot different now. I mean, we all have our moments…but mine are few and far between now. Today I vowed to myself to never let a breakup affect my life as much as this one did. “Thou must carry on and be a boss ass bitch no matter how your relationship is going/ if you’re in a relationship or not.” Today, I received word about a gentle “pre-warning” from management and I freaked out inside. This is not me or a reflection of my work ethic. I’ve never had such a hard, high-demanding, high responsibility job before and I’ve never experienced such a stressful life event as an adult. I know I fucked up and admitted it to my supervisor. I’ve been doing my very best to use all of my energy in between clients to catch up on my documentation. I also dealt with some pretty intense shit today from my clients. I am working to accept this and to forgive myself lovingly.  So that was my day today…And then I went to a Muay Thai class with my friend from high school. I was honestly terrible at it, but it felt good, got me pumped, and the instructor spent extra time with me to teach my techniques. I think I’ll at least do a new student special there…I also signed up for a free beginner brazilian renzo-gracie jiu jitsu class on Monday (lol why not?).  My pen pal and fellow blogger Bjjselflove inspired me from across the US to say yes to this class. I may cancel it and make sure I’m trying this out for me and not him. JJ is his martial art of choice. I then went to the gym after the class to run, because I was pretty pumped from the class. The soreness is setting in as I munch on a Trader Joe’s baby pizza and some baby carrots (I guess there is a theme to my meal). I felt kind of funny at this Muay Thai class, but everyone feels that way when they try someting new. Who knows, it could be my favorite thing! I’m trying to stay open-minded, discover more interests and hobbies, have fun, and try to get myself in great shape. Now it’s time for me to turn off the devices, read, and drift into relaxation and sleep. Goodnight, everyone!

Short and Sweet

I got home not long ago from my 9-hour workday and I’m feeling a bit overstimulated and hyper from all the clients I saw and how busy I’ve been today. I am also missing him some and remembering him fondly, honestly wondering if there is a future for us or what else is in store for me.  I know I have to keep doing more of what I have been doing– healing, learning about myself, and living for me–before my future of whatever is in store for me can be played out and lived. I do believe the universe decided it was about time for me to figure out who I really am.  I’m feeling restless and a bit tired…weird combo… so I’m keeping this entry short and sweet. Tea time then sleep. Goodnight!

Long time no talk

Hello, my beautiful and loved WordPress followers! I started writing a blog post yesterday before I went to sleep, but it was a cranky and tangential post (clinical psychology term…I’m sorry). I am not sure what I sought to accomplish by writing it. My goal on here and on my Instagram (@learningtolovememarie) is to keep things positive but real…or at least end my posts on some type of positive note or affirmation. I think the unpublished post from yesterday accomplished neither, so I mindfully chose to not post it. I hope you all are doing well. I am doing a lot better today…not perfect, but not so much in despair. Who ever really feels *perfect* anyway? I’m taking a little break from my workday to write this. I am working my usual Tuesday 1-9PM shift. I had 2 clients today and have 3 more to go. I was supposed to have 7, so I am thankful for my cancellations and downtime–when I am able to self-care and get my work done (and blog!). I’m on a new health kick and so far so good! This weekend really brought to my attention my need to get back into fitness and health…my LA Fitness fitness assessment freaked me out . For quite some time lately, I’ve been talking about old habits I had become used to in my relationship and almost unknowingly was replacing them with some bad habits in my time of grieving, especially comfort eating. I looked myself in the mirror (and in my Instagram camera) on Sunday and realized I needed to make a change. And I’m a measly 2 days-in, but am going strong. I went to yoga this morning and have been eating a low carb, high protein diet. Tomorrow I will go to the gym to continue rebuilding the muscular strength that I lost since feeling depressed. Giving myself goals helps me to focus on myself and put my energy to good use. I have a lot more time to do so now. Though I know I will grieve the loss of my relationship for quite some more time, I need to develop new routines and habits for myself. It’s not easy and I miss him dearly, but life has given me this opportunity to do for and find myself before I begin dating again and before I settle down/ get married, and have kids one day (hopefully). I think I have to chalk this up to the universe at this point, keep the faith, and live life with intention. Okay! Back to work.

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Annoying weekend but ending on a positive note!

So I slowly realize that I am not yet ready to make ANY decisions bigger than what toothpaste to get or what color nail polish to put on my toes. And this is perfectly OK. I tried working out at the gym I signed up for and I didn’t like it at all. I am listening to and following my gut. I don’t know how or why I fell for this idea of a “gym” gym and what it may bring me. No harm no foul, but I have to say that I felt tricked into joining. My bad really for not making an informed decision. At least I’m cancelling the contract tomorrow…first thing. I hate that I’m going to have to deal with these salespeople in the morning. Pain in my ass. I know I brought this upon myself. I wanted to try something new, which is fine, but I gave in to some seriously pushy salespeople before making an informed decision (or working out the committment in my budget). My falling for this is me not being a “self” and failing a codependency test in my life. My plan from here on out is yoga, getting back into my cardio and strength training at my gym, and eating healthier. I let myself go this past month…I let it happen, observed it, and didn’t judge it until now. I feel not-so-good. It’s now time to get back. I bought myself some healthy groceries today (a few snacks as well) and plan to mealprep for the week, so here goes nothing! I also am doing my laundry. These sound like trivial things, but when you’re depressed, anxious, and preoccupied with God-knows-what and trying to self-care, you tend to put the rest on the back-burner. I’m just signed up for a free trial of a TV streaming service that I will likely keep! I am watching the golden globes as I drink my kombucha and clean up my place. Not bad! These are all forms of self-care. I just need to keep it up.

 

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