So after my yoga class, I picked up a few gifts and some giftware for my siblings for Christmas (my older step-brother and step-sister who I refer to as my siblings…because they are!). Not to psychology nerd out or anything, but I do notice that my baseline anxiety level has been higher since the day of the breakup… and in the wake of the holiday season. I essentially had an abrupt (and rather unexpected) detachment with a primary attachment figure (him)and my mind and body are reacting and attempting to process this change. I am very cognizant and fascinated how my current situation mirrors my attachment trauma when my mom got sick during my childhood. To all of you Van der Kolk fans out there… my body keeps an excellent score, sometimes a little “too” well. I don’t know why I am trailing off into psychology, but I’ll let my thoughts flow how they would like. I know that I am interested in trauma-informed care and have received substantial training in it thus far. What really matters is applying it to your own life and teaching clients how to do the same.
So here I attempt to go about relating this back to my day…My day was absolutely wonderful, but overwhelming and anxiety-provoking in mostly positive ways. The stores, parking lots, and streets are crowded everywhere. I do my best to stay mindful and to not pick up on the hectic environment or the anxiety all around me. It is hard though…for anyone.
I had also planned a little birthday brunch at a local tea house for me to celebrate my 27th birthday (it was onDecember 19) with some friends this afternoon. I can’t tell you how blessed I feel to have such awesome people in my life…THAT AREN’T GOING ANYWHERE and will always be there for me (and vice verso). I had an overall wonderful time and greatly appreciated their presence, support, and friendship as I do always! I talked about him and how the breakup happened with poise and emotional control. I did not blame myself or him. I was positive and did not speak badly of him or wish him ill will. I don’t feel to do this in my heart. My friends were impressed and had told me I am a strong person. I felt validated and loved and I’m really happy that I got to see them. When I say friends…I mean my friends and my cousin and her husband. He was such a champ for having a tea party with the girls. My cousin and husband are amazing friends of mine as well as family. I can’t express to you much I appreciate these people, their truth, and their love and care for me. I know him and I had wanted to try this tea place together, and that I would have liked for him to continue being a part of my life. I thought about this a few times during the meal, but realized each time that he decided to leave and that I need to start making new memories with the people who have decided to stay.
After my birthday brunch, I decided to step into the church I grew up in (which is across the street from the tea house) and say some prayers for others and myself, for thankfulness, protection, and guidance during this time. I used my mindfulness skills here as well, to take in the details of my surroundings and to force myself to sit my butt in one place to pray for a few minutes! It’s a good practice and I think God may have appreciated it too. I often ask for God to calm my restless heart and to fill the void I often feel in my heart. That church contains a lot of personal history for me and my family. I feel that I can always go there (when it is not locked lol) to connect with God, Mary, Saint Anthony, Jesus, and even my deceased relatives. This was my prayer team today. It varies from day-to-day :P.