Today was what many people would call “one of those days”. I felt off. I felt anxious and depressed. I reached out to my parents. I’m trying to not lean too heavily on others or be codependent on them. I did some research to better understand what is going on psychologically with me. A super energized and emotional yoga class perhaps added fuel to the fire that was my feeling crappy and anxious. I woke up this morning with a weird pain in my right back, chose to ignore it, and go to (unbeknownst to me at the time) one of the hardest and most emotionally intense yoga classes I’ve ever taken. Perhaps I was meant to be a part of this, or perhaps this was a lesson for me to listen to my body. The class heavily emphasized loss and grief during this time of the year. I felt anxious, not sad, as I saw tears well up in my fellow yogis eyes towards the end of the class. Still nonetheless, I had some emotional “gunk” resonating in me…in the form of anxiety. It literally feels like an electrical pulse. One of my clients described it to me as such and that is so spot on. Crying is such a great release, but crying doesn’t often come with anxiety. I found a way to cry to release, as I often do. Anyway, I NEVER take naps, yet I came home from yoga, showered, talked to my parents, cried, then passed out for about 2 hours. My Christmas cookie candle was burning as I slept and my sleep was peaceful. I am thankful for this time with myself today. I woke up to a text from my best friend being silly and saying positive things about me…also updating me on her love life!
Building on my post from yesterday, I am learning to listen to my body and mind. My body today needed to sleep and it needed to cry. I don’t think it needed yoga. And that is all OK. Today, I also did some strategy steps from a kick ass self-help book I’ve been reading which has helped a lot with my healing journey so far. I can’t emphasize the importance of friends and family during this time of the year and coincidentally during this time of my life. Insight and a background in psychology also helps 😛 I took a major hit from this loss and often realize I am not as far along in my journey as I would like…but further along than I might have been in the past! I’m realizing that it is important to be patient. I am going on no one else’s timing but my own (well…God’s, really). It’s a miracle that I’m letting myself heal and not jumping into something else that completely occupies my mind, as I have done so in the past.
I realized tonight the hard way that I am not yet ready to be seeing him, his family, and his friends on social media. I want to focus on my self-love instagram (shameless plug: https://www.instagram.com/learningtolovememarie) as opposed to my personal account. All-in-all, I want to focus on my LIFE. Just like the non attachment I discussed in my post yesterday, I took the step to unfollow him, his family, and his friends with love today. I browsed at some of their pages and a pain went straight through my heart. I am not ready to be exposed to their lives. I am healing through this and growing through this. I will be patient with myself and practice nonattachment with love. I am keeping the personal account because I will return back to it eventually, and I do not want to erase the memories of the past few years because they are nonetheless a part of my life and my journey. My good friend helped me realize this and come to this conclusion. Happy Christmas Eve. I hope you sleep as well as I did to the smell of Christmas cookies!