“Marie” Christmas

Very punny, right? I would say that I had an overall good day today, like a typical “Marie” day would be like. And I only cried once for a brief period of time! Current situation aside, I have a tendency to cry on holidays…especially Christmas…just emotional times and lots of different feelings. I thought I’d be worse. I impress myself daily with my strength. Him and I spoke briefly over text to wish each other a Merry Christmas and we confirmed our boundaries at this time; we did came to a conclusion that we are both experiencing emotional pain over our breakup right now. He referred to these feelings as “growing pains”. For me, it’s a lot more than that . It’s my life turning upside down and me trying to figure everything out, be emotionally independent, and stay functional during this healing process from this dependency.  Knowing he is having a difficult time as well brought me some solace. I had the opinion that he was just fine and that I didn’t mean as much to him as he did to me. There is something bigger and better coming in my life or at least the sole idea of finding and loving a self I can stay true to. That is invaluable.

I asked my dad tonight if I messed everything up and if I will find anybody and figure my life out…AKA Dad, am a hopeless case at 27? He quickly shut down my negativity and said that everything will be just fine and I will figure things out. My dad reaffirmed to me that he did not think he was my soulmate. My family is one that supports one another in any way possible, and I am absolutely grateful for that. I love them. I am; however, not a personal fan of the long drawn-out holiday events of being cooped inside and having to talk to people or (help clean dishes and other chores) constantly. I am a fan on the gift-opening part!

Towards the end of the day, I began feeling tired and sad and began to check out and want to go home. This is when I had the small text conversation with him. I don’t have to like these family sit-down gatherings. I can like to see my family and spend time with them in different ways. Not attending such events is not really an option, so it’s just something I have to grin and bear (distress tolerance, folks!) . Again, something I am learning about myself. Perhaps I’d feel better about these conversations with people if I knew myself better and was happier myself. I have to say…this year didn’t feel much different than last year even with my boyfriend. He wasn’t a big fan of family gatherings, or at least of mine. He would always make my time at least a little bit more fun when he was with me. The challenge was to get him over. He was my companion and my buddy, though I would often feel rushed to leave when I wasn’t ready to leave. That’s something I won’t forget and didn’t like. Anywho…my parents and I visited my sister at night (yay change of scenery) and we exchanged gifts with her because she couldn’t make it today. She gave me a thoughtful journal with a message on the front page telling me that everything is going to work out. I’ve been hearing that said to me a lot lately. It helps to boost my faith in myself and my life plans. Of course, I need that validation from within (workin’ on it!). We bought the dogs little converse sneakers for their paws. Stay tuned for a picture of a chiuhuahua wearing sneakers!

I wrapped up my night with a yearly tradition that I have with myself. One of the neighboring towns has a manger display with farm animals. Every Christmas or Christmas Eve since I was a little girl, I go to visit them. A really silly and fun family went a few seconds before me and brought carrots to feed the animals. We were all cracking up! The animals were also so cute and the tradition is so meaningful to me! I brought him with me last year, but it felt just as special being alone. I then came home, snuggled in my cozy bed, and began writing this blog for the day. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night! 🙂

 

 

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