Acceptance is the theme I am struggling with today. That is, self-acceptance and radical acceptance of what is. So to help me cope with these struggles, I am currently baking some Nestle Toll House pull-apart chocolate chip cookies in the oven (it’s self-care and self-soothing, right? of course it is. ) They are also my absolute favorite cookies (I am basic.)! So I spent most of my day shopping and returning at a local “upscale” mall. I first went to lunch and dessert with my parents, aunt, and uncle at that mall. In a mall full of serious rich and upscale people, I was happy to be with such a real bunch. I had to do some returns and purchases there after our meal. Upscale mall swarmed with rich people= private high school and college kids and alumni= they are better than me. This is the white privilege I face as a fucking white (upper-middle class) person myself. I should write a book about this shit…actually no that would be a horrible idea, considering how I see REAL white privilege in full force in the field I am. I’m not poor by any stretch of the word, but I did have a different (more low-key) upbringing than this so-called country club kids. I also have faced a lot of adversity in my life. This brings me to the topic of self-acceptance. I never feel good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, worthy-enough-for-my-ex-or-someone-like-him around these (and most) people. My dating someone for 2.5 years with a family like that further dug into this wound that is my complex around people like this. This may be also part of the reason why he didn’t want to stay. So this whole complex started when I got to high school and peaked during the college application process senior year. Maybe these people waiting in line at Lululemon thought the same about me…probably not, but who knows. Maybe I don’t know who the f*ck I am in comparison to others or in comparison to just me. I know I’m a loving, caring, and sentimental person who CONTINUES to find myself dumbfounded that he just left this relationship. Why would he leave someone like me? Why couldn’t he stick by me as I work this out…as WE work our shit out? Why couldn’t there be some type of intervention or conversation with him and his family. Maybe in the end he didn’t believe in me. My self-esteem has been shot for a while, but super shot now (nowhere to go but up right?). On my drive to the mall, it is in the same direction where him and I had our last outing (when I cried in the Uber going to our destination to the song “Last Christmas) and also in the same direction of where his new home will be starting December 30. Today I experienced fluctuating feelings of depression and not being good enough and then feelings of empowerment that I’m no different from these people and I will get over this complex and heal from this relationship. I got some cool and trendy stuff today, which I hope will help in my boosting my confidence. I know 99.9% comes from the inside. However, I do want to put more effort into my look and take pride in how I present myself. I want to move up with confidence in the working world. This is another reason why I thought he may have decided to leave me. I am messed up, but this blog and this whole experience of life as a single lady (put your hands up!), will help me sort this shit out! I’m not a monster…I’m just a little confused and messed up, complicated by some childhood trauma and my cognitive processes (I am my own psych experiment).
Oh and then I went to the grocery store and lost it when “Against all Odds” by Phil Collins was playing, which is a song describing exactly my current situation. He likes Phil Collins…or at least said so on our first date…and my friends and I would poke fun at this said musical interest (in a loving way). Him and I would grocery shop together there a lot. I’m missing him. He was my buddy. We’d do everything together. I am still in disbelief at times. I almost texted him today but didn’t press send. Points for me! During 2.5 years, we formed habits, routines, and rituals with each other. I’m really missing that time in with him right now. So now I’m home in my bed about to tackle those cookies and do some reading. I’m currently reading 2, well 3 books: a daily meditation, an audiobook (which I’ve mentioned before), and “A New Earth” by Eckhart Tolle.
With all these changes in routine, I do notice that I am freer with my time and am pretty much on my own time now. I can choose to partake in activities I want to attend and can pay my family back my presence and love they said they lacked when I was spending my time and energy trying to please his family. I may write more tonight, but those cookies are calling my name! Thank you so much for reading. I am very honest and very real here. You have a right to unfollow or to not look at my blog. This is one of my forms of expression during this time (I have my insta and my super-secret personal journal), which I find to be helpful. I am sure most of you find doing so to be helpful for yourselves.
Much (self)love, milk, and cookies,