Two-thousand “ehhh”-ighteen

So last night was super fun celebrating with my friends…of course, not without the bouts of missing him and reminders and talking about memories of him and whatnot. When the clock struck midnight, I hugged and kissed my friends, had a quick phone conversation with my parents, received a few texts, and started feeling sad. I acknowledged that he wasn’t there and that I am not bringing him into this new year with me. If it were up to me, he would be next to me. We would work things out. But, I have to make the best of what I have, and I’m realizing I need to respect that the universe and this journey may have something better in store for me. Him and I exchanged a few texts back and forth. I am still so vulnerable, but I am doing my best to keep my mind strong and not be weak by giving into these feelings of missing him. Building this mental strength and independence is something I can’t rush. Any and every therapist is instructed to “start where the client is” or treatment is not effective. So I must start where I am capable and improve from here . What may be absolutely no sweat for someone may be a grueling challenge for me. This is a difficult journey that I unfortunately cannot leave in 2017. Life is designed like this for us to learn and grow from such experiences. I hope this emotional pain pays off someday. My stepmom basically told me that I made no progress today because I texted him back. That made me feel pretty low, due to my big effort I have been making to use my outlets, friends, and forms of expression appropriately, and to begin the work on myself. I feel upset, and that is OK. I cried twice in 2018 already and that is OK too. I wasn’t hysterical. I was just feeling. I am doing my best to use this situation to better myself. Today I woke up at my friends’ apartment and had a nice conversation with her and her brother and had a few cookies before I left for home. By the time I got home, I felt tired, dehydrated, and depressed. I let myself fall asleep for a little, mope a little; then I picked myself up, drank some water and kombucha (very fancy for me), and flowed a little on my yoga mat before going to dinner. I realize that I often know what my body needs, even when it doesn’t want to go through the process of obtaining the need. So you let yourself cry and mope and sleep, and then you get your ass up and moving. I have come back to this sad and crying place tonight as I write this. Thank God the emotional pain has become much less intense than a month ago. Melody Beattie stresses the importance of feeling this emotional pain to its fullest and releasing it in order to heal. Morrie from Tuesdays with Morrie stressed this as well.  Melody also expressed that this pain is part of a bigger picture and is something being worked out within me and the universe. I’m trying to keep the faith, but for a restless 20-something, it is quite the challenge. I never said it was impossible! So 2018 has been ehh so far, but plenty of amazing years and overall experiences start with an underwhelming start. I’ll end with this bible quote as we start a new year…”The pain that you have been feeling cannot be compared to the joy that is coming.” Romans 8:18. Goodnight <3. Here’s to two-thousand and yay-ighteen! 😛

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One thought on “Two-thousand “ehhh”-ighteen

  1. Don’t see crying as negative; it’s therapeutic! Your body is physically releasing those negative emotions (in the form of tears) and it is fighting to heal! So, in fact, you’re quite STRONG. You’ve had 2 instances of strength in 2018! Turn your pain into power, babe! Rooting for you! Your cyber friend, Jules.

    Liked by 1 person

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