You know how excited I was that I got in wheel pose last weekend? Well my back HURTS. Guess this is what happens when I try to open my heart when it’s not ready to be opened! Ugh. But that’s OK. May this be a lesson that I need to listen to my body better. I’m also not blaming it on the pose. I went to yoga yesterday and haven’t been going to the gym because I like to work through these feelings and honor myself in the setting of a yoga class…so I think my muscles and body are a little out of wack and perhaps imbalanced. Humble warrior (a heart-opener…of course) really got me yesterday.
I noticed some things about me recently…I don’t eat as much as I used to, but I have been eating more poorly than I used to. My moments of happiness and normalcy are still there (Thank GOD), but a lot less and shadowed often by feelings of depression. I literally feel like my spirit has been dulled. I had some false hope for a while which was confirmed false today. My emotions feel bruised…I feel hurt, but not enough to cry, because I knew the truth in my heart. I’m feeling these pangs of sadness and emptiness and missing him tonight. Thoughts of him living in his own apartment, dating someone else, and me not being good enough wrack my brain tonight. I let them come and try to not hold onto them and feel the emotions that come with such thoughts and think about what such emotions are teaching me. This honestly sucks, but I know that what I’m going through is such a (brutal) rich life experience. I would oftentimes after breakups latch onto a new crush or a new relationship. I cannot and will not do that this time around, because I have too much respect for him and our love and I need to heal and grow and learn to be by myself. He means too much to me for me to even think about buying a new claddagh ring for myself right now. My heart isn’t ready to be opened to anyone. I think I’ve felt this way for maybe a few weeks after breakups in my life, but nothing compared to how I feel now. This time it’s a whole nother level. My friends and I both thought that he was the one. Him and I thought that about each other for some time. What did I do so wrong? Every silly woman like me asks herself that question and in search for some type of truth. I looked at myself in my office window’s reflection today and realized that I am no longer his and he is no longer mine. After 2.5 years of having each other’s back and communicating practically all of the time in love, I am left here right now at a loss. I know this won’t last forever, but it kind of sucks. A lot was blamed on me. I am of the mindset that if 2 people love each other, then they can find a way to work things out. But I must accept what is…his decision. I occupy a lot of my time with yoga, reading, blogging, and communicating with friends and family. I am careful to not use these people as a crutch like I did with new boyfriends and crushes after relationships. He loved movies and to watch shows with me, so I may dare and attempt to watch a movie by myself tonight. I would pretty much only watch TV with him or if I knew he was following a show I liked. Tonight, I’m just feeling my feelings and letting them be. Positive affirmation: “I trust divine timing”.