Hi, guys. I’ve been feeling pretty bad this week because I decided to disconnect with him entirely on all social media on Monday. I actually had requested that he unfollow me and thus not like my Instagram posts, which he had been doing which was very confusing to me. He did not honor my request, so I had to delete him from my follower list. I stumbled upon his Facebook on Sunday and literally almost threw up. I deleted my Facebook entirely. I know being exposed to him, following him, or even knowing he follows me is not healthy for me. I had to be honest with myself…I am learning that the healthiest choice is most often the hardest, and that you have to stick with it. This disconnection took a big hit on me and I realized that it IS really over. A relationship is the definition of connection and now every connection between us has been severed. I did not choose this, but I respect his decision. I can’t fight it. I also respect myself. He can’t “have his cake and eat it too”…aka I don’t want him to know what I’m up to, how I’m improving, and then decide whether he made a good decision or wants me back or not based upon that. When you choose to breakup with someone, this implies that you choose to sever the connection with a person. In my eyes, this is the only way this can truly be done. I want him, his comfort, his friendship, his familiarity, his love but I don’t NEED it. And what kind of place is this want coming from anyway? A codependent place likely. I SHOULD be smart enough to realize (I’m getting there) that I was never wanted in that family, so why even expose myself to such emotional abuse for so long? Because I loved him, yes, but enough is enough. I’m not a monster. I loved him dearly and kept being lied to in my face for years. His family didn’t like me because they thought I wasn’t good enough due to the fact that I’m a social worker who didn’t go to an Ivy League school and have a mother with a mental illness. He didn’t say the nicest things about me or my intelligence in the end. There was no real warning for our breakup and I was very much misled. He posted a very insensitive profile picture of himself an hour after we broke up. I never felt good and totally secure in my relationship with him because I wasn’t viewed as good enough by his family (or him for that matter in the end) and always was under the impression that someone better would come his way. This was thrown in my face all of the time. I wonder why I subjected myself to this for so long…well I loved him, realized that we are all a work in progress, and had hope that things would change. This blog is public, so he may see this, but I am going to continue posting as if he doesn’t. I cannot control whether someone looks at this or not and that is OK. I can control what I can control. So that is that on this Wednesday. I wanted to share this with you as I grow from this experience and learn to love, honor, and respect myself in ways that I never have and in ways that I gave other people full responsibility to do. Have a good day, everyone. I am being as honest and candid as I can possibly be. My poor self-esteem has taken many hits and I don’t deserve to be exposed to that. I deserve a man to protect me, believe in me, and negate what his parents say. I guess he believed them for some reason and here we are. My next client is here. Have a good day everyone!
Published by LearningtolovemeMarie
Hello, my name is Marie. I am a 20-something who wants to heal her emotional wounds and help her clients to heal as well. I am a clinical social worker (almost fully-licensed LCSW!) who deeply cares about my clients. I try to use my own life lessons, trials, and tribulations to better help myself and others. I pride myself in presenting to my clients as "more-human-than-most" and often let them know that I am a work in progress as well. I attribute my vast collection of self-help books on my book shelf not only to my clients' "presenting problems" but also my own. I have attempted to create 2 blogs recently on a different site and found myself feeling frustrated and expressing negativity and anger (this was leading up to my breakup). Now that I am in a different place, I aim to keep this blog positive, but real, as I share with you my journey toward healing my body, mind, and spirit--and finding myself somewhere along the way. I will be sharing my favorite resources, quotes, and pictures that are helping me through this difficult time. My hope is that you will find some healing from this blog and from my experiences. View all posts by LearningtolovemeMarie