Bittersweet

So today I was so so swamped at work that I initially felt guilty for taking the 5 minutes to blog before. I will gladly consider those 5 minutes self-care time, I am supposed to take a 30 min break, but it happens very seldomly. I need to work on my self-care :O.  I make sure this break DOES happen though sometime. With the exception of the blog and heating up my lunch, I literally worked straight through until 5 PM. I could barely think about my own shit or look at my phone all day. Looking back on it, I was consumed by others’ personal stressors–not my own–and job stressors–my own, but tolerable. I tend to like it better that way. And then I got in my car on this Friday evening. With him, I’d always have weekend plans or at least plans to spend the weekend with him. 2.5 years is a long-time to create habits and routines. Now I don’t even speak to him, as per my choice, to protect myself and heal. It pains me to say this phrase…but also to “move on”.  On my way home from work, I pass his parents’ exit and the exit to the town where he is currently living. I thought about everything I missed doing with him and the beautiful rustic town and surrounding areas by his parents’ house we spent a lot of hours together in. I was tired from the day and sad…sadness–>tiredness and tiredness–>sadness… But luckily I had made definite plans to attend another Muay Thai class with my friend (who reads my blog…so hello, Stefanie! Thank you for reading :)). And I went and felt empowered and had a nice time. To keep up the good energy and fitness, I went to the Y and I felt really good. And then I took a shower and ate Trader Joe’s pizza in my bed, which is where I am now. I’m a big fan of creating a schedule for myself, organized by appointments and tasks to do. And doing activities with others puts you on a whole nother level of accountability. Having something lined up (other than thoughts of coming home to him), helped me through the after-work driving blues! I notice myself laughing more with my family and feeling relaxed that I am on my own time schedule. They point out positive changes they have seen in me. I think the reasons for missing him may outweigh the reasons for enjoying my time alone at this time, but I am trying to focus on the latter. #feedthegoodwolf!

 

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