Intervals of Hope and Self-Pity…mostly the latter.

This is what I’ve been experiencing today, among the 5 clients and hours of paperwork and phone calls at work. It has been about a full 2 months since the breakup. Today I feel like I will never be the same again. It really sucks much of the time to be honest with you. How could my “best friend” and “soulmate” do such a thing to me, question my emotional stability and use all of my vulnerabilities against me to his advantage? I am really diving into the hurt this week. I felt so insecure in that relationship because I was straight up told that I was not preferred and that his mom will be pushing him to meet someone else, especially in business school. Afterall, I’m just a measly social worker.  I apparently was never truly loved and accepted and this brings tears to my eyes as I write this now. And honestly, how DARE he go on the vacation we planned to go on together and post stupid pictures of himself smiling on Facebook like everything is OK. Everything was and is currently fucking NOT OK. Thanks to that, I deleted my facebook. It made me physically sick and it makes me sick to think about it. And a very disrespectful profile picture an HOUR after breaking up with me. AGAIN…NOT FUCKING OK. Tonight I am angry and I am sad. I am Lonely. This totally sucks. I am crying, impatient, and restless, but it won’t always be like this.  Melody Beattie, among famous others, encourage people to feel their emotions fully in order to release them. It really feels terrible to be rejected by someone who supposedly loved you. At this point in time, I feel that I don’t want to date again or get hurt again. I’m too tired. I try to and sometimes find myself feeling hopeful for someone who will love my family and me unconditionally, but I feel so sad today. I don’t know what is with this week, but I feel all these feelings all over again. I’m doing everything I can to be strong in the public and at work, so please bear with me as I let myself  “be” in the privacy of my own room. The few days before he broke up with me he was sick, I took care of him, and didn’t sleep in the same bed as him because I didn’t want to get sick. Perhaps God was trying to tell me something, was preparing me to distance myself from then. I don’t know. I wish I had answers. I felt teary today with my clients for some reason…I controlled myself considerably (apparently emotionally unstable people can do that…? seriously fuck everything). I just have a lot of hurt in my heart. When it is not masked by work or exercise, it comes out. I allow it to. I hope to God that he isn’t dating right now and that he has the heart to grieve what we had. I don’t know what I would do if I were to see another girl in his life at this time. One of the 12 steps in CoDA is stating the fact that I cannot control other people’s behaviors…only my own. I’m still in disbelief that this happened at times. I have to consciously stop myself from referring to him as my boyfriend. Again…he chose to sever that, and this has caused me a lot of pain and inconvenience in my life. His family is probably so happy that I’m gone, which hurts me so much too. I’m not a bad person. I am a good and caring person. Literally all I do is love and care and sometimes protect myself a little too closely from the potential of being hurt. I have a hard time talking to people who I know judge me negatively and I have an even harder time when people who I think love me don’t truly act like they love me. Just ugh. My worst nightmare happened to me on December 1, 2017. And I am still standing. Going to bed because as my client so eloquently put it today…you don’t have to deal with the bullshit from others if you’re sleeping (unless you dream about them…ugh!)! I don’t recommend this as a coping skill to use during inappropriate times and non-sleeping hours, by the way. I will end on 2 positive notes… I don’t have anymore late nights this week and only have 2 more days of clients and a training/free lunch on Thursday! :)? Gotta be thankful for something other than the obvious health, shelter, food, a job, family, friends etc…Goodnight.

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