Hey, everyone. So after the bad news on Thursday, corresponding freakout , and lingering feelings on Friday; I wanted to update you on my weekend. It’s only right and whole to share the good and the bad. I’m trying to give both the same attention. I enjoy writing about the good in much less desperation than the bad.
So on Friday, I took my ass to Muay Thai with my awesome and supportive friend (I see you, Stef!) and then to the gym. Muay Thai was fun and there is a super great group of girls there…so much that I am thinking about going at least once a week (which means I have to pay for that, but I’ll figure something out!). After Muay Thai, I go to my gym for some more exercise. This Friday, during my cardio routine, I felt my emotions just pour out and energize me while listening to my carefully selected “New Beginnings” playlist on Spotify. I spent quality time at the gym on Saturday and Sunday as well. My parents didn’t want to see me this weekend because I dragged them into my drama on Thursday in not the healthiest of ways. I spent the whole weekend on my own schedule…and it was really OK. Better than OK actually. I do miss having him around…he was fun to be around a lot of the time. I’m on my own time now which is nice AND fun for me.
Yesterday, before I went to confession at church, I had that moment in life where you realize you really do have a problem that needs to be fixed. I’ve had them before…they usually happen in my car while I’m parked. Bottom line is that I keep repeating old behavior and thought patterns…that really need to end so I can actually begin living. I’m not quite sure my life ever truly has begun with this stagnant and limited mindset I feel seemingly a victim too since I was little. Yesterday I felt like I was atoning for my crappy behavior and was so desperate in looking for some relief. So I went to mass…to confession and then mass. It was an annointing mass as well. I was very emotional in confession and in mass. My hurt was just pouring out of me. “Why so much?”, I oftentimes ask myself. Then I saw my oldest relatives at the mass and I started crying more. Once I got it together after communion, I acknowledged tham and said hello. I was had trouble concentrating on the mass toward the end because I was so hungry… and what do you know, “auntie” invited me over for a homemade Italian meal and dessert. She literally had baked manicotti on demand. Traditional Italians are truly a gift of food and wisdom. We caught up on what is new in the family and then we got to talking about my life, of course. There is just something about older female family members and their wisdom and power in their advice. When I’m in the prescence of someone like my auntie, I feel like I’m a good person who has been through a lot and who is worthy of love. It’s also really nice to see my uncle…my grandmother’s brother. He is my closest connection to her, besides me dad of course! They sent me home with some chocolate, Italian cookies, and a book about our homeland in Italy. This was a truly enjoyable and rewarding evening. This is a good way to self-care and to learn about myself, life, and my roots.
Today, I did some chores and went to my first reiki share in a long time. I got lost trying to find the new location. It’s in the same area as where parents’ house is. Him and I spent a lof ot time in that area, so this drive was difficult for me. I also passed the country club his family belongs to. Throughout my ride, I took a lot of deep breaths, sighs, and often muttered to myself that “I will be OK”, that “I will heal”. I threw a couple prayers up to God as well. This is a hard time for me.
The new location of the reiki center is across the street from a pub him and I would go to a lot during the beginning of our relationship. This made me feel sad and a bit sick, but my life must continue with the next deep breath. I had such good memories with him in this area, and I would love to have them back with him in a new positive light and love…and with less care for what others think of me and more confidence of who I am. Anyway, I went to the event…I began practing reiki and then decided to stop because what I really needed to do was receive it. I acknowledged my need and honored it through my actions. I sat listening to singing bowls as my chakras cleared and was given reiki. One female practitioner who knew nothing about me or my situation (other than my energy output), told me she kept thinking of the song Queen by Jessie J as she was giving me reiki. Very oddly enough, when I was practicing earlier, I had noticed a tattoo on one of my teammates which read “Queen”. For some reason I was very fascinated and keep looking at the tattoo. Usuaully simple things like that don’t bewilder me like this one did.
Anyway, tonight I came home from the gym after reiki, made a healthy dinner, and watched the super bowl. I almost turned it off when I started to become sad that I wasn’t watching it with him. We’ve watched the past 2 superbowls together. I do miss his company, but this is how it has to be (radical acceptance). Supposedly the universe has something better. I do have to say though, in all fairness to him, I was not my best self when I dated him. I really wish to encounter him later on when I am a better, more developed person and hopefully him as well . I’m leaving the “who” up to God, among many other questions, and am surrendering the control I don’t even have.
Affirmation: I create a positive start to my workweek through an honest, enlightening, self-loving, and nurturing weekend.