Trying to not fall back into old ways

At work, in my personal life, and in my family life…to be more specific. Work is pretty cut and dry…I just need to stay focused, diligent, on a good routine, and organized. I also feel so much more confident now that I wear makeup and put in a better effort to look presentable at work. I’m long overdue for some clothes shopping…next paycheck, Lord and Taylor here I come! As for my personal life…I know that I need to hold less (and eventually hopefully no) value on validation from others as much as I currently do. My parents are being distant because of my strong reaction to what happened last Thursday at work…the second worst day of my life (you can see my blogpost from then). This is totally understandable and some space at this time is healthy for them and for me. I would often seek validation from them or from my ex when he was still in my life. I do it with my friends sometimes too…trying not to as much now.  I naturally would feel bad about myself constantly because his family didn’t think I was good enough. I had no solid stance or opinion about what I thought of myself or my life. And I don’t think I’m even close to being there yet and I’ll you why…

I got my first post-breakup somewhat-welcomed significant male attention the other day and all of a sudden I felt worth dating, attractive, and all-around better about myself…after much self-deprecation and confusion about the worthiness of my career. This is such an indicator that I need a lot more time by myself to build this in MYSELF first and foremost. So I felt solid about myself all of a sudden because some random guy who lives in my apartment complex told me I was too pretty to live alone (he was in total disbelief and was trying to call bullshit on me for what I was saying because I am such a catch…), that my ex doesn’t know what he is missing, that I went to a very good and respectable school, and should be proud so proud that I have a masters degree and a respectable job. LITERALLY EVERYTHING I WANT TO HEAR. Smart kid he is! (I think I’m all wise and shit and can talk like Yoda now apparently lol).  I did my best to not ask too many questions about him because I know I did not want to communicate desperation, if any, interest or initiative.  My now-ex reeled me in about a month after I got cheated on by sweet-talking me and being my “knight in shining armor”. I am now too smart to for this logically, but am not quite there yet emotionally.  I know I am vulnerable…but knowledge is power, isn’t it? The fact that I am so consciusly aware and insightful–and have the knowledge that sometimes the best decisions are the less fun or harder decisions–brings me a feeling of confidence that I “got this” and that I can be smart! One of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make is disconnecting from him (ex) on social media because that is the only way I know I could properly heal. I just have to work on being my own cheerleader and motivator, not others being that for me, and especially others who don’t me from anything at that! Don’t get me wrong…it is OK to feel flattered and giddy and silly, but someone’s comment or opinion shouldn’t shape how you view you! (noting to self)

 

I realize that my chaotic upbringing really has set me back in certain aspects of my emotional development. Thank goodness I have this time to work on myself and heal. I am quite fortunate for this, so I can give myself, and hopefully one day, my family a better life.

 

Affirmation: I am smart with my thoughts, words, and actions. What I think, say, and do, the universe reflects back to me.

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2 thoughts on “Trying to not fall back into old ways

  1. You are amazing for all you have achieved, but even more amazing in spite of all you have achieved. You are so loved and so valued. I hope one day you truly do learn to love yourself the way you deserve to be loved. It’s a journey for sure. I definitely know what it’s like to look for validation from others, especially men, and especially after a break up. I recently went through one as well and when a coworker began to compliment me or act in ‘flirty’ ways, I so badly wanted to just run with it and give in because he made me feel special. But it’s so important to realize that we deserve to love ourselves FIRST. Alone. Apart from someone else. Then, when we truly know our identity and love ourselves for who we are, a relationship is so much healthier and much more beautiful.
    Keep on this journey, girl! You’re gonna get there and look back one day, and question how there was ever a time when you didn’t absolutely love your incredible self!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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