My Strange Saturday

So remember validation guy from this Monday? Seriously weird shit right here…so I left my car light on overnight and he happened to see it early in the morning. He guessed it was my car based on my Rutgers stickers and his knowledge of where I went to school. So he wrote me a decent-size note informing me of this and providing me his number, asking him to text him whether it was my car OR not. So I thought this was strange and fate, because it is rare that you run into your neighbors enough to get to have a conversation with them. I don’t know how he got into my unit…I guess the outside doors are all the same? Yikes… I’m like OK this is weird and exciting and what are the odds. I will text him to thank him. And then he called me on my way to the gym. I know I am not ready for anything at this time and this gut feeling, attachment to my ex still, and personal need to be alone is causing me to not be stupid thank goodness. We had a nice conversation and then I asked him how old he was. I thanked GOD for another reason to not get too close or too friendly. He is significantly older than I am. Yep. I know I like attention, validation, love, etc. and am emotionally stupid enough to take it at this point BUT I am LOGICALLY and RATIONALLY strong. I’m learning what it best for me, not about what I want or for temporary relief from pain I have to experience. I don’t need to mask my feelings or my ability to self-love by paying attention to another and vice versa. I am so not over my ex. Wanna know why? 1 reason is that I woke up to my nextdoor neighbor playing 106.7 and the song that we would were going to dance to at our wedding was playing. I feel a little fucked up now, but that’s OK. I have yoga in an hour or so to slow things down for me. I could have sat in my room and listened to it and felt the feelings, but I decided nahh just distract yourself. Damn I wish things would have worked out between him and I, but am hopeful about my life plan.  He was just too serious at times and stressed out. His family contributed to this. I would have liked him to be fun, silly, and snuggly more and show that beautiful side of him to the world, but the world made him a bit cold. And this cold world made me emotional. No one can replace him and I am not looking for anyone to replace him or hide my feelings at this time. I’ve been through heartbreak too many times to be stupid about it. I feel like this is a bit of a blunt post and perhaps not worded so eloquently…but it is OK. It’s who I can be at times. I allow myself this. Now I’m sitting on my bed, listening to the heavy rain outside, coffee in hand, journal and books next to me, as I eat my pancakes and await the time until I have to leave for yoga class a little later this morning.

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