Snowy Snuggly Solitary Saturday

Hey, everyone! It’s a snowy night in Central NJ! I woke up feeling achy and tired and didn’t get out of bed to make it to any yoga class this morning (there were lots of options). I listened to my body and didn’t push it. I allowed myself some slack…I made a protein-rich breakfast (after a Friday in Lent) and decided to go grocery shopping because I didn’t feel like moving around too much yet. Trader Joe’s and Shop Rite were so crowded and I felt so cranky about all of these people around me, what they wore, and what they drive. I’m usually pretty joyous, sociable, and outgoing but was feeling grumpy and impatient. I was also feeling not enough. I also had gotten into an unecessary argument with my stepsister in the morning. I have a complicated family dynamic and it appears that my stepmom, stepsister, and I have landed in the same field of work. I’m not really OK with this, as I am significantly different than them in many aspects, including personality. Not being blood-related and raised differently, this makes perfect sense.  With receiving my advanced professional license on the horizon, I have been wracking my brain about the next step. With this brain-wracking comes the voice of not just my own thoughts/ core beliefs, but others’ as well. I’m trying to figure out what it is that I want to do. I am 27, so I feel that I have to make a move soon! My ex’s mom did not fail to tell me this or tell me to go to business school. Some people say I need more schooling and intensive training, others say life experience, no one is saying I am enough right now. Not even me. I’m restless. I want that house in a suburban town. I want that nice car. I want that entrepreneurial lifestyle. I do not know how or what at this point! I feel that I’m not focusing on the right things tonight and that I’m not centered. My brain confuses me about my changing opinions on others and my brain is comfortable in codependent ways. I think I’m relying on my neighbor too much. I realized today that there is something about male energy that I am attracted to…as a friend. He’s a caretaker like me and like a big brother now that the boundary has been set. He’s the type of guy that will be there for me to help me because I am a nice person and have always kept it respectful. It doesn’t mean I have to rely on this at ALL. I also enjoy talking about my apartment complex’s drama that I didn’t know about now! lol… I mindfully have stopped texting with everyone at a certain time tonight. What the HECK does Marie want anyway? She needs to figure it out soon. Thank goodness she has the opportunity to spend much time alone to figure this out if she uses this time wisely! I think a mindful meditation would be a stellar idea on this snowy night. Goodnight, everyone! Thank you for being a part of this journey with me. 🙂

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