What is going on

I just decided that I need to live in a vacuum or perhaps on house arrest for my own good or sit under a tree for years until I figure things out, like Buddha (the more graceful option). However, how helpful would that be to my healing process anyway…? I don’t live in a vacuum otherwise. I literally told a new friend today that I am confused about my life and life choices, confused about my friendship with them, confused about who I am, and confused what I want to do when I grow up. She didn’t run…I’m surprised. I seriously do not know much about anything right now. I applied to some administrative jobs in the mental health field this past weekend, but I’m not quite sure I want to put conducting therapy on hold… but I am also tired of counseling others and have a considerable amount of work to do on myself. I actually think counseling others can help me with my work on myself. There is no right or wrong answer to any of this. I feel one way one day and I feel entirely different the next…good gut feelings to bad gut feelings and back about almost everything. I’m trying to gain a better understanding of my own inner-being and reactions within me. When something makes me want to run or cringe or makes me feel uncomfortable, I now speak up about it and express my needs and concerns. I’m over the games.  I’m not ready to engage in any type of anything with anyone and I am so proud to say this. I don’t want it. I don’t need it. I will take a friend and an ally in my corner, but nothing more.  This has actually been a constant gut thing for me. I’m just going with the ebb and flow of my life and trying to keep my distractions to a minimum and spend a considerable amount of time alone. Distractions are there for their purpose…to distract from something. For me, distractions can serve as a short-term cover-up or escape from dealing with certin negative or overwhelming feelings. I’m very aware of this and give myself a nice bubble to myself and try to disconnect every so often, so that I can connect with myself. Yoga and meditation really help with this as well! 🙂 So I’m off to sleep soon. I have to wake up early tomorrow to do some notes before yoga class because I allowed myself to become distracted tonight. Goodnight!

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