Scary Realization

I just had a scary realization about myself and my codependent behavior. I’m experiencing it right now in real-time. I’m noticing how my body and brain have reacted to a certain delay in communication. My brain sometimes becomes hijacked when someone or something is not distracting it. Why? I would love to know why exactly, but I don’t need to know why to change something. I allow myself to scare the shit out of myself sometimes. If I apply nonjudgment to this current situation, then nothing will change. I freak myself out, so I need to make changes. First step is awareness! Then comes conscious change. And no one can take care of you but you. My heart hurts. I’m feeling emotional today. And I’m letting myself feel it all. I heard a song on the radio on my way to work called “Sorry” by Nothing but Thieves and it reminded me of him (my ex)…there is no significant other or other “him” to be named at this point in time. I will not allow it.  Nor will my heart, or my body, mind or soul. I am thinking about sporting the claddagh ring I bought myself facing towards me to remind myself that it is OK to keep your heart closed and protected and just be with yourself. After all, I am dating myself at this time!

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