Having one of those “whyeeee” moments

I’m sitting on my bed now…it’s past 12 AM on Tuesday morning and I’m just thinking and reflecting on the weekend, on work, and on my life at this point in time. Yesterday I went to a reiki share in an area where him and I used to spend a lot of time together. A pub we used to go to is directly across the street from the healing center. Yesterday was also his birthday, which made this trip for energy healing (of all things!) much more difficult for me to take than usual. And, of course my GPS took me on a most unfavorable route home, taking me adjacent to his street before heading on the highway. Life/ Waze always finds a way to challenge me. I glanced across an overpass and saw the dirt road I would turn onto to get to his house. Seriously, what the heck are the odds of that quick glance at that quick time. My trip was like a series of flashbacks of the places we’d used to go to and the times we had together…that I can no longer have and that I absolutely longed for yesterday, not being able to have them anymore–but most importantly, not being able to have them with him. I passed the country club that his family belongs to as well. With the visual and emotional feel of each of these places and the area itself, my heart pounded with anxiety and I nurturingly held my tight and aching chest telling myself that it is going to be OK and that I am healing. And that I will experience true love, faith, and acceptance one day by another, and first and foremost by myself.  My body holds so much heartache and tension from many things in my life.  My memories with him…people, places, and faces…good and bad… are alive and well in my 20-something -year-old body. At this very point in time, I easily have the opportunity to be with a man who will do anything for me, is sweet, kind, caring, and appreciates literally everything that I am and do. I haven’t cried once in the past month since meeting this person. But I don’t want this. I keep him at a safe distance. I want no one…just me…or a even better…if my ex were to all of a sudden be more respectful to me and my family, and unconditionally loving/ accepting. He follows me on Instagram and I don’t know why. It makes me sad to keep such a superficial connection to someone I thought was my soulmate (honestly still do at times). I do not follow him back on Instagram because I don’t want to know what he’s doing, seeing, whatever…that I am missing out on. More importantly, .he chose to leave my life so he doesn’t get to view it from afar. My stepmom strongly encouraged me to delete him from following me, like I did the last time. I am consciously aware that I am being a half-stupid girl right now. Half, because I’m making good decisions and not falling for anyone or anything…words or actions and because I want to keep a connection of some sorts that I know should be severed. I will figure it all out…On my way home with all these emotions flowing, I found it extremely cathartic to literally yell out songs at the top of my lungs. I wanted to cry but my energy wasn’t a crying energy..it was more of a tension and anger energy. And what do you know, it helped. I need to get this sadness, anger, tension, whatever out of my body somehow. Yoga class tomorrow morning thank goodness!!! Goodnight.

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