Sick Saturday

Hey, everyone! I know I haven’t been writing so much lately because quite frankly I’ve been distracted by working some overtime and just distracting myself enough with people, things, and tasks, that I don’t feel the need to really blog. I realize this is not so healthy…especially on a day of almost complete psychological and physical standstill like today with how physically sick I am feeling. I should put forth a stronger effort to blog at least once a week…no matter what’s going on in my life. I started this very cool journal today called the 5 Minute Journal, which is designed to basically keep me on track with writing daily. I notice that I get thrown off-balance very easily…by people, by events, work, psychological and physical feelings…you name it! Since yesterday after work, I’ve been sick with muscle aches, weakness, stomachache virus thing. I went to the doc today and nothing was really conclusive…why, of course. When my ex was sick right before we broke up (unbeknownst to me at the time…I wouldn’t have done all that I did knowing not only was he brewing with a virus but also with a f*cking breakup), I took really good care of him and he had expressed wanting to take care of me next time I got sick. So here we are…my parents were gone most of the day, no one wants to hang with someone sick, I am not dating him anymore, and my neighbor friend…I actually just don’t care anymore…him not talking to me today was a blessing. I needed him to not talk to me today. It also made me realize that I am actually lonely and that I do miss my ex, but also that I can survive the f*ck on my own! No one can take this loneliness from you. I believe it is a good learning experience to sit through these kinda crappy feelings and realize that you won’t die from them. Nothing is masking these feelings today, especially on a day that I’m sick and perhaps more physically and emotionally needy than usual. My parents came to drop off some tummy friendly foods to me tonight and I am so grateful for that. Other than urgent care, seeing my dad was the only other social interaction I’ve had today. My day at home does not have to be filled with distractions. It was actually filled with thoughts and conscius reflections and changes in them. I experience a lot more clarity when I don’t have a text or phone call to anticipate or if I have to be on someone else’s or any planned or scheduled time. It’s so liberating just being me. Just liberating me can feel lonely, but I want to feel comfort in myself and perhaps comfort in the fact that I’m not codependently relying on others (family, friends, guys, girls) for the next temporary high or social interaction to get me out of my own head. I wish I had spent more of my day like this…but tomorrow, I have another day of rest (besides church, if I’m up to it) so I get a redo (if God decides to wake me up tomorrow, of course) of today. And I plan to use it more wisely and with greater clarity. Goodnight and I thank you for following me consistently, though I can sometimes be rather inconsistent. I accept myself fully for all that I am and for all that I am learning!

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