Hi, everyone. I felt compelled to write tonight after a long hard day at work and efforts in catching up on paperwork and case management…the life of a social worker at a community mental health center! I enjoy what I do and don’t mind the work…I just wish I had more time to do it! A full 8 (errr… I did 9) hours dedicated to paperwork only gets me so caught up. I guess it is par for the course. Straight from work, I drove to a doctor appointment (to follow up on my mental health! everything is good!). To get from work to my appointment I have to pass by where he lived when he was dating me and by where he currently lives now. I like to avoid these places, otherwise, though I often think about the times we spent in the area around my work. I love how my mental health gets challenged on my way to a mental health appointment…I guess what better time, right? I realized that during the past few weeks, I’ve “lost my head” as Carrie Bradshaw so eloquently put it when she described getting “lost” in a relationship. I’m coming back down to earth and am realizing how not ready I am to be in anything with anyone besides myself. Getting flowers and candy are amazing and thoughtful things. I appreciate them as much as I can right now, while realizing that nothing can really fill the void in my heart–besides nurturing healing time with myself. Another man can’t. It’s cool to have a friend who admires me, is patient, and to see where this goes, but my heart can’t completely open…or even close to open. Nothing feels totally right. I think and talk about him a lot. That’s why I don’t want to see him or know about his life. I’m just not ready to see him as something other than my boyfriend and life partner, images that he destroyed and that I falsely hold onto. I still sometimes have trouble accepting the fact that he ended things with me so out of the blue. I thought we were stronger than that. I know I am, but can only speak for one of us. I’m getting better at acceptance and sitting with icky feelings. I try to see my feelings as little “pokes” to set myself in a different direction. I’m just living life and trying to not judge myself for how I am conducting my life at this time. I worked so hard today so I took a nice warm shower by candlelight, made myself some nurturing oatmeal and ginger tea (both foods are very grounding), and am here sitting on my couch in my dimly lit apartment. I am very content. Moments like these will help heal my heart and soul.
Affirmation: I am healing. I am living. I am loving.