Taking a New Direction

So I was thinking about retiring this blog for a little while, but I think I need to take a different approach than what I have been doing (in my blog AND in my life). A friend pointed out to me that focusing on the difficulties and heartbreak tends to rehash things, potentially making them worse…at least in my mind. I think sometimes that the content I post on here would be more appropriate in a journal. Life is one giant lesson and boundaries is one that keeps finding me somehow. So I have consciously decided to take this blog in a new direction as of today…this direction involves me not talking about the specifics of the nitty gritty of my daily life’s ups and downs but about talking about ways in which I am self-caring and self-discovering…basically focusing on what I’m up to in terms of taking care of me…not what I’m thinking. I wanted to share this with you all. Today I woke up rather early and made a decision to not commit to a plan because I needed to take care of myself and because it didn’t feel right in my gut. 1 cup of decaf, a protein bar, and some journaling later, and now I’m here thinking about my next plan for the day, as I have today free. I would like to do whatever I can do to rest, recuperate, and restore before the workweek. I’m thinking today would be good for church, the gym, maybe grocery shop to make a homecooked meal for the week! I’m feeling a bit tired and lazy now and am snuggled up in my blankets on my sofa. These are things that feed my mind, body, and soul. I’ve been trying to do more of this at this point in my life, while navigating it the best way I can.

Nurturing Myself after a Long Day!

Hi, everyone. I felt compelled to write tonight after a long hard day at work and efforts in catching up on paperwork and case management…the life of a social worker at a community mental health center! I enjoy what I do and don’t mind the work…I just wish I had more time to do it! A full 8 (errr… I did 9) hours dedicated to paperwork only gets me so caught up. I guess it is par for the course. Straight from work, I drove to a doctor appointment (to follow up on my mental health! everything is good!). To get from work to my appointment I have to pass by where he lived when he was dating me and by where he currently lives now. I like to avoid these places, otherwise, though I often think about the times we spent in the area around my work. I love how my mental health gets challenged on my way to a mental health appointment…I guess what better time, right? I realized that during the past few weeks, I’ve “lost my head” as Carrie Bradshaw so eloquently put it when she described getting “lost” in a relationship. I’m coming back down to earth and am realizing how not ready I am to be in anything with anyone besides myself. Getting flowers and candy are amazing and thoughtful things. I appreciate them as much as I can right now, while realizing that nothing can really fill the void in my heart–besides nurturing healing time with myself. Another man can’t. It’s cool to have a friend who admires me, is patient, and to see where this goes, but my heart can’t completely open…or even close to open. Nothing feels totally right. I think and talk about him a lot. That’s why I don’t want to see him or know about his life. I’m just not ready to see him as something other than my boyfriend and life partner, images that he destroyed and that I falsely hold onto. I still sometimes have trouble accepting the fact that he ended things with me so out of the blue. I thought we were stronger than that. I know I am, but can only speak for one of us. I’m getting better at acceptance and sitting with icky feelings. I try to see my feelings as little “pokes” to set myself in a different direction. I’m just living life and trying to not judge myself for how I am conducting my life at this time. I worked so hard today so I took a nice warm shower by candlelight, made myself some nurturing oatmeal and ginger tea (both foods are very grounding), and am here sitting on my couch in my dimly lit apartment. I am very content. Moments like these will help heal my heart and soul.

 

Affirmation: I am healing. I am living. I am loving.

Yeah…that didn’t happen…but this did!

I am sorry. I have been caught up in so much lately and have been feeling a bit overwhelmed with work and with my life, including patching up the sorrow and loneliness from the breakup with temporary band-aids that are making me actually miss him more sometimes. I wouldn’t admit this to him, but I would admit this on a blog that he may even see…who knows. I also have wanted to text him, but I have refrained and have decided to “eat” the feeling instead of sharing it, which would very likely result in more problems. This morning, I woke up with a weird feeling in my gut about what I have been doing with my life lately and some type of urge within me to make changes. I wish I knew more about life so I could be like “OK I’m feeling this, so I need to do that”. I wish life, science, and therapy were more like that. But they are not…and I’m sure the reward is worth the challenge that has been presented to me. I get impatient a lot of the time with myself and with others. I have put my focus on some other entity (I’m being vague here) and have taken my focus off of finding my life’s purpose and of healing my heart–to make positive changes in my life. I’m a bit angered but am also thankful for the tough love my gut, parents/ family, therapist, and friends have given me about this situation. I’m having a certain feeling today, but what if I act upon it and that feeling goes away and I am kicking myself for it because I feel the opposite tomorrow? A wise person once told me, “If you do not know what to do…do nothing.” I’d like to add to this quote…”but keep moving forward.” How can I best differentiate what is truly best for myself? Are the things that others point out and suggest to me things I should take into account for my own sake, or are they just giving me their two cents and I’m letting this shake up my view on things? I experienced this in my past relationship. I believe this is something that will keep coming up for me until I figure out a better way to navigate it. I have heard numerous accounts from people of different professsions and schools of thought saying that the universe will throw an issue or problem at you, that resurfaces in different relationships and scenarios, until you find a way to master such an issue. There is no coincidence that a recent situation has led me back to some old codependent ways of thinking, feeling, and being. I like to think of this not as a a pain-in-the-ass coincidence I don’t want to deal with, but a challenge to master. I find myself being more mentally lazy lately and physically tired, which poses even more of a challenge. This is all probably part of the plan too…

Daily affirmations: I am taking time to relax my body and restore my energy this weekend. I am seeking my truth and purpose. I am patient with myself on this journey.

So it’s been a weird week so far

TGTIF. So it’s been a weird and difficult week for me so far. Thank goodness it’s almost over. I’m sorry, mindfulness skills, but I really need this week to be done with! It’s been rather draining and I took a mental health day today because I’m feeling anxious and overwhelmed at work and at home…especially at work! I don’t really want to go into details, but there has been some good and some bad things going on with me personally this week. This too shall pass! I handled myself well in some situations but not well in others and I’m just trying to figure out what is the right path and what are the right decisions for me! I learned in my therapy session today how difficult of a time I have sticking to boundaries that I set for myself and others. I am a work in progress and progress I shall make! I’m going to actually set an example right now by setting a boundary and saying goodbye, so that I can do what is on my to-do list for tonight. Goodnight! 🙂 Time to get to work!

Feels like I’m just waking up at 6 PM…

So I started off my day-off today with a cavity filling…my first cavity in 10 years! And it was on one of my wisdom teeth…way back there! I hope I don’t have to get them pulled one day, but whatever needs to be done for my health, I am OK with. I am thankful to be able to afford healthcare and resources for my overall wellbeing. I went to bed too late last night and slugged around and slept for a lot of the day, after my appointment and after I went to lunch with my stepmom. I wish I had taken better care of myself this week and set better boundaries with people or I wouldn’t be feeling this tired or this off-centered. Today I feel like I lack direction and feel emotionally and physically exhausted. I want to awaken my soul and my spirit. I want to be truly alone again and not be distracted. I do believe that this is true peace to me. Once you lose it, it’s hard to get it back. I feel like I finally am waking up for the first time today after a long nap, some anxiety and tiredness. I am thirsting for direction at this point in time. I want to carry out my dharma…I want to find out what my dharma is. I want to surrender distractions- good and bad…I want to just be. I want to feel how I need to truly feel to heal. I decided that I’m going to go to a yoga class. I do hope this will help me get back on track. I’m just feeling a bit spiritually blah and lacking direction. Let’s see what magic this yoga class can bring! Then I’m stopping over my friend’s house to feed and hang out with her cat for a little. I’m actually looking forward to that, as animals are so amazingly spiritual creatures. Thanks for reading! I allow myself to fall off of the normal course and routine and encourage myself to get  back on track. It’s so hard to do this non judgmentally, but I have to try! Affirmation: I am perfectly imperfect and am finding my way to true spiritual, emotional, and physical growth.

Today I Feel Good!

Seriously…feelings don’t last forever and I am so ready to KILL IT today at work, the gym, and home- the places I will frequent where I have responsibilities to fulfill. Sometimes we have to allow ourselves to fall apart a little,lose focus, and lose energy to realize what is really important and to rebuild an even better version of ourselves! I am thinking that the secret to all of this is to focus on your own goals/life without the interference of others, whether their interference is positive or negative. I am noticing how easily I get thrown off from my own centeredness. One can get so easily taken away from his or her own focus on life. I am super cautious and wary of this, as I fall victim to this often. I didn’t do my 5 Minute Journal for the past 2 days and was preoccupied. I choose to forgive myself for this and continue on as normal today. Last night, I went to dinner and hung out with my parents…though my parents and any parents are pretty much infamous for causing frustration in their kids…last night they brought me joy and laughter. I had a quality time with them. My dad provided me with some financial and investment counseling and a tax return review, which was so much needed and appreciated. This has helped me to get excited for my own life, prosperity, and future! 🙂 Affirmation: Today I am focused on my own life–career, personal development, leisure, fitness–and the goals for which I strive in these domains of my life.

Blessed Be the Mystery of Love (and Life)

I haven’t been writing as much lately because I feel that a lot of what I’m dealing with can really only be done truly on my own. I have become obsessed with Sufjan Stevens, his face, his being, and music. It’s safer to like a celebrity at this point in my life…haha I realize that at this point in my life, I am living and learning. I’m scared and anxious. I try new things sometimes that I don’t like and that doesn’t feel right. I want him back. I feel sad today.  Thank God I’m smart enough to not push my limits too far. I feel uneasy and dysregulated today. I’m thinking about him a lot today. I want him back or I want to be alone at this time. It is a refreshing feeling knowing that my mind, body, and soul isn’t ready. Part of me is still honestly his. I’m feeling very emotional today. I want to resolve, rehash, and start over with him today. I went to church. I ask God to help me conquer this confusion, heartbreak, and preoccupation so that I can focus on finding my true purpose in life and find my peace within myself…not others or in being accepted by others. I’m trying to be patient with myself and not overreact to the decisions I make at this time. Whatever happens, I’m constantly led to wanting to work things out once again. However, I surrender control to the situation, as it was not my choice to end my relationship. On that note, I will never surrender my relationship to myself and that’s the one truly worth working on. I’m off to dinner with my family. I pray it’s an easy one without a lot of questions. Have a good day, everyone! Maybe I’ll write tonight. This world we live in, life, and love is so damn confusing! Keeps me intrigued every minute though! haha 😛

My head feels like what it looks like outside

Hey, everyone! Happy snow day  humpday to some and happy normal humpday to others! I’m in New Jersey! I find that  thoughts are whirling through my mind today in a similar fashion to this crazy snow outside. I have been experiencing a range of different feelings, including anxiety and excitement about things today and last night and I don’t know why. I got my butt to the gym this morning to let some of this out in a healthy and productive way. I’ve been at my parents’ house since last night because I stay there during significant snow storms due to the street parking rules where I live when it snows. I worked until 9 last night, went over to their house, and just felt a weird amount of energy, giddiness, and overall weird feelings and no where to really place them. I feel this way often at my parents’ house for some reason. My stomach was also being weird that day, which leads me to a topic I will discuss later on in this post…EATING!  IDK what these feelings were. JK of course I do…it’s anxiety! So what did I do last night after work? I watched Stepbrothers (good) and ate too much chocolate (bad). I think I need to do a self-help eating workbook myself and not just preach positive eating habits to others like my job as a counselor is to do. I woke up this morning just raring to go somewhere and do something. My energy was out of whack, so naturally my thoughts and feelings/emotions are going to folow suit. Thank GOD the snow wasn’t too bad so I went to the gym. I ran, lifted, did some other cardio…all around a solid workout. But in the middle, I felt so sick to my stomach. The issue resolved itself and I was able to continue on with my workout, but I resolved to work on eating healthier, as this likely would have never happened if my diet was better. I work out very hard and often worry about the future for my heart and blood sugar levels because of my poor eating at times (or perhaps this is the anxiety speaking once again!). My instances of poor eating are not usually the ones I post on Instagram…though I probably should start to show some accountability! I just don’t like the way my stomach feels a lot of the time. I did the gluten-free thing for a while without a true identification that I was intolerant to it. So at the gym, I texted my friend group, appropriately titled “The Girls Room”, and we plan to hold each other accountable and hop on the Whole 30 trend. Some of them did it already and swear by it! I just want my stomach and body to feel healthier so that I don’t feel disgusting before, during, and after I exercise. I think this will help my mental state as well. At this point in my life, I am trying to live my best life! My energy level is still a bit high, but more controlled and I have been productive and alert. I’m about to go shovel a little for my parents now! Be safe everyone! I have more to talk about and lots on my mind (as you know), so maybe I’ll double-post today! 🙂

Hello, Strangers (I’m actually the stranger here :O)!

Hey, guys. Happy belated St. Patrick’s Day and Happy Sunday! I am very much looking forward to taking this day to rest and restore. My body has been fighting something these past few weeks…nothing definitive, but definitely something. So I’ve been taking it a little easier than usual. I got back on my exercise routine yesterday, but was not feeling it 100% because I’m not feeling 100%. I’m learning to listen to my body and pay attention to its sensations and its signs.

This week I felt totally bombarded at work and totally distracted at home. Being distracted is both a blessing and a curse. Because when you become no longer distracted and have time to think, life can hit you like a ton of bricks. I actually prefer to take time to let life hit me with the proverbial “ton of bricks” sometimes, so that I have a realistic and honest idea about what’s going on my life and in my brain.

I have a nice friendship going with a man who I believe truly respects me and admires me for who I am (other than my dad and brother of course!).  He is older and it is purely platonic (MY DECISION…not ready for that ish ANYTIME SOON). It’s teaching me wonderful things about boundaries, myself, and what I need to work on. Through and through, I miss and want my ex. This is natural and expected. I let myself feel it and I don’t act upon it. I talk to this friend about him too. This friend thinks my ex is crazy for passing me up. The fact that I don’t see it yet is a glaring fact that I am not ready to date yet. Other people’s opinions are starting to mean less and less to me, as I have to navigate this life and live it in my body, mind, and soul. I am focusing on my healing journey and nurturing relationships that build me up. My parents and friends have told me that I seem a lot happier and look a lot better. I cry a lot less too (it’s been about 1 month without tears, a record for me!). I am starting to feel enough. I know my ex and I could have worked things out had we not let our families totally overpower our feelings towards one another, but whatever… what can you do. It was not my choice to end my relationship. But it is my choice to live my best life despite this.

One little piece of advice before I conclude this post is…KEEP YOUR SOCIAL SUPPORT SYSTEM THROUGH THICK AND THIN, GOOD TIMES AND BAD. I actually have no idea what I’d do if I didn’t have my long-term friends and family at this time in my life. They mean the absolute world to me and always raise me up (well maybe not all the time with family lol). Keep those amazing people around if you know what’s good for you…when you have a boyfriend and when you don’t. Boy am I glad I did! I hope you all have a great Sunday and that you feel recharged for the upcoming week!

P.S. I bought the Five Minute Journal, have been writing every day in the morning and before bed and it has been transformational so far! I’m only about 7 days in, but I highly recommend. Maybe I’ll talk more about it on another blog post! 🙂

 

5 min journal