Blessed Be the Mystery of Love (and Life)

I haven’t been writing as much lately because I feel that a lot of what I’m dealing with can really only be done truly on my own. I have become obsessed with Sufjan Stevens, his face, his being, and music. It’s safer to like a celebrity at this point in my life…haha I realize that at this point in my life, I am living and learning. I’m scared and anxious. I try new things sometimes that I don’t like and that doesn’t feel right. I want him back. I feel sad today.  Thank God I’m smart enough to not push my limits too far. I feel uneasy and dysregulated today. I’m thinking about him a lot today. I want him back or I want to be alone at this time. It is a refreshing feeling knowing that my mind, body, and soul isn’t ready. Part of me is still honestly his. I’m feeling very emotional today. I want to resolve, rehash, and start over with him today. I went to church. I ask God to help me conquer this confusion, heartbreak, and preoccupation so that I can focus on finding my true purpose in life and find my peace within myself…not others or in being accepted by others. I’m trying to be patient with myself and not overreact to the decisions I make at this time. Whatever happens, I’m constantly led to wanting to work things out once again. However, I surrender control to the situation, as it was not my choice to end my relationship. On that note, I will never surrender my relationship to myself and that’s the one truly worth working on. I’m off to dinner with my family. I pray it’s an easy one without a lot of questions. Have a good day, everyone! Maybe I’ll write tonight. This world we live in, life, and love is so damn confusing! Keeps me intrigued every minute though! haha 😛

My head feels like what it looks like outside

Hey, everyone! Happy snow day  humpday to some and happy normal humpday to others! I’m in New Jersey! I find that  thoughts are whirling through my mind today in a similar fashion to this crazy snow outside. I have been experiencing a range of different feelings, including anxiety and excitement about things today and last night and I don’t know why. I got my butt to the gym this morning to let some of this out in a healthy and productive way. I’ve been at my parents’ house since last night because I stay there during significant snow storms due to the street parking rules where I live when it snows. I worked until 9 last night, went over to their house, and just felt a weird amount of energy, giddiness, and overall weird feelings and no where to really place them. I feel this way often at my parents’ house for some reason. My stomach was also being weird that day, which leads me to a topic I will discuss later on in this post…EATING!  IDK what these feelings were. JK of course I do…it’s anxiety! So what did I do last night after work? I watched Stepbrothers (good) and ate too much chocolate (bad). I think I need to do a self-help eating workbook myself and not just preach positive eating habits to others like my job as a counselor is to do. I woke up this morning just raring to go somewhere and do something. My energy was out of whack, so naturally my thoughts and feelings/emotions are going to folow suit. Thank GOD the snow wasn’t too bad so I went to the gym. I ran, lifted, did some other cardio…all around a solid workout. But in the middle, I felt so sick to my stomach. The issue resolved itself and I was able to continue on with my workout, but I resolved to work on eating healthier, as this likely would have never happened if my diet was better. I work out very hard and often worry about the future for my heart and blood sugar levels because of my poor eating at times (or perhaps this is the anxiety speaking once again!). My instances of poor eating are not usually the ones I post on Instagram…though I probably should start to show some accountability! I just don’t like the way my stomach feels a lot of the time. I did the gluten-free thing for a while without a true identification that I was intolerant to it. So at the gym, I texted my friend group, appropriately titled “The Girls Room”, and we plan to hold each other accountable and hop on the Whole 30 trend. Some of them did it already and swear by it! I just want my stomach and body to feel healthier so that I don’t feel disgusting before, during, and after I exercise. I think this will help my mental state as well. At this point in my life, I am trying to live my best life! My energy level is still a bit high, but more controlled and I have been productive and alert. I’m about to go shovel a little for my parents now! Be safe everyone! I have more to talk about and lots on my mind (as you know), so maybe I’ll double-post today! 🙂

Hello, Strangers (I’m actually the stranger here :O)!

Hey, guys. Happy belated St. Patrick’s Day and Happy Sunday! I am very much looking forward to taking this day to rest and restore. My body has been fighting something these past few weeks…nothing definitive, but definitely something. So I’ve been taking it a little easier than usual. I got back on my exercise routine yesterday, but was not feeling it 100% because I’m not feeling 100%. I’m learning to listen to my body and pay attention to its sensations and its signs.

This week I felt totally bombarded at work and totally distracted at home. Being distracted is both a blessing and a curse. Because when you become no longer distracted and have time to think, life can hit you like a ton of bricks. I actually prefer to take time to let life hit me with the proverbial “ton of bricks” sometimes, so that I have a realistic and honest idea about what’s going on my life and in my brain.

I have a nice friendship going with a man who I believe truly respects me and admires me for who I am (other than my dad and brother of course!).  He is older and it is purely platonic (MY DECISION…not ready for that ish ANYTIME SOON). It’s teaching me wonderful things about boundaries, myself, and what I need to work on. Through and through, I miss and want my ex. This is natural and expected. I let myself feel it and I don’t act upon it. I talk to this friend about him too. This friend thinks my ex is crazy for passing me up. The fact that I don’t see it yet is a glaring fact that I am not ready to date yet. Other people’s opinions are starting to mean less and less to me, as I have to navigate this life and live it in my body, mind, and soul. I am focusing on my healing journey and nurturing relationships that build me up. My parents and friends have told me that I seem a lot happier and look a lot better. I cry a lot less too (it’s been about 1 month without tears, a record for me!). I am starting to feel enough. I know my ex and I could have worked things out had we not let our families totally overpower our feelings towards one another, but whatever… what can you do. It was not my choice to end my relationship. But it is my choice to live my best life despite this.

One little piece of advice before I conclude this post is…KEEP YOUR SOCIAL SUPPORT SYSTEM THROUGH THICK AND THIN, GOOD TIMES AND BAD. I actually have no idea what I’d do if I didn’t have my long-term friends and family at this time in my life. They mean the absolute world to me and always raise me up (well maybe not all the time with family lol). Keep those amazing people around if you know what’s good for you…when you have a boyfriend and when you don’t. Boy am I glad I did! I hope you all have a great Sunday and that you feel recharged for the upcoming week!

P.S. I bought the Five Minute Journal, have been writing every day in the morning and before bed and it has been transformational so far! I’m only about 7 days in, but I highly recommend. Maybe I’ll talk more about it on another blog post! 🙂


5 min journal




Sick Saturday

Hey, everyone! I know I haven’t been writing so much lately because quite frankly I’ve been distracted by working some overtime and just distracting myself enough with people, things, and tasks, that I don’t feel the need to really blog. I realize this is not so healthy…especially on a day of almost complete psychological and physical standstill like today with how physically sick I am feeling. I should put forth a stronger effort to blog at least once a week…no matter what’s going on in my life. I started this very cool journal today called the 5 Minute Journal, which is designed to basically keep me on track with writing daily. I notice that I get thrown off-balance very easily…by people, by events, work, psychological and physical feelings…you name it! Since yesterday after work, I’ve been sick with muscle aches, weakness, stomachache virus thing. I went to the doc today and nothing was really conclusive…why, of course. When my ex was sick right before we broke up (unbeknownst to me at the time…I wouldn’t have done all that I did knowing not only was he brewing with a virus but also with a f*cking breakup), I took really good care of him and he had expressed wanting to take care of me next time I got sick. So here we are…my parents were gone most of the day, no one wants to hang with someone sick, I am not dating him anymore, and my neighbor friend…I actually just don’t care anymore…him not talking to me today was a blessing. I needed him to not talk to me today. It also made me realize that I am actually lonely and that I do miss my ex, but also that I can survive the f*ck on my own! No one can take this loneliness from you. I believe it is a good learning experience to sit through these kinda crappy feelings and realize that you won’t die from them. Nothing is masking these feelings today, especially on a day that I’m sick and perhaps more physically and emotionally needy than usual. My parents came to drop off some tummy friendly foods to me tonight and I am so grateful for that. Other than urgent care, seeing my dad was the only other social interaction I’ve had today. My day at home does not have to be filled with distractions. It was actually filled with thoughts and conscius reflections and changes in them. I experience a lot more clarity when I don’t have a text or phone call to anticipate or if I have to be on someone else’s or any planned or scheduled time. It’s so liberating just being me. Just liberating me can feel lonely, but I want to feel comfort in myself and perhaps comfort in the fact that I’m not codependently relying on others (family, friends, guys, girls) for the next temporary high or social interaction to get me out of my own head. I wish I had spent more of my day like this…but tomorrow, I have another day of rest (besides church, if I’m up to it) so I get a redo (if God decides to wake me up tomorrow, of course) of today. And I plan to use it more wisely and with greater clarity. Goodnight and I thank you for following me consistently, though I can sometimes be rather inconsistent. I accept myself fully for all that I am and for all that I am learning!

Snowday Eve

Ugh tonight I felt restless and achy from working out too much and too hard today. I also have this really annoying habit of picking all of the scabs on my legs so they never heal. It’s like compulsive and satisfying. I feel like I do a lot of things that are compulsive and satisfying in the short-term but I regret doing so in the long-term. I think this skin-picking thing will resolve when I am able to resolve the source of the anxiety behind it. I’m at my parents’ house tonight due to the snowstorm and my town’s silly street parking rules. I’m actually super tired but I had a lot more to talk about, so I will write at a later time.

Having one of those “whyeeee” moments

I’m sitting on my bed now…it’s past 12 AM on Tuesday morning and I’m just thinking and reflecting on the weekend, on work, and on my life at this point in time. Yesterday I went to a reiki share in an area where him and I used to spend a lot of time together. A pub we used to go to is directly across the street from the healing center. Yesterday was also his birthday, which made this trip for energy healing (of all things!) much more difficult for me to take than usual. And, of course my GPS took me on a most unfavorable route home, taking me adjacent to his street before heading on the highway. Life/ Waze always finds a way to challenge me. I glanced across an overpass and saw the dirt road I would turn onto to get to his house. Seriously, what the heck are the odds of that quick glance at that quick time. My trip was like a series of flashbacks of the places we’d used to go to and the times we had together…that I can no longer have and that I absolutely longed for yesterday, not being able to have them anymore–but most importantly, not being able to have them with him. I passed the country club that his family belongs to as well. With the visual and emotional feel of each of these places and the area itself, my heart pounded with anxiety and I nurturingly held my tight and aching chest telling myself that it is going to be OK and that I am healing. And that I will experience true love, faith, and acceptance one day by another, and first and foremost by myself.  My body holds so much heartache and tension from many things in my life.  My memories with him…people, places, and faces…good and bad… are alive and well in my 20-something -year-old body. At this very point in time, I easily have the opportunity to be with a man who will do anything for me, is sweet, kind, caring, and appreciates literally everything that I am and do. I haven’t cried once in the past month since meeting this person. But I don’t want this. I keep him at a safe distance. I want no one…just me…or a even better…if my ex were to all of a sudden be more respectful to me and my family, and unconditionally loving/ accepting. He follows me on Instagram and I don’t know why. It makes me sad to keep such a superficial connection to someone I thought was my soulmate (honestly still do at times). I do not follow him back on Instagram because I don’t want to know what he’s doing, seeing, whatever…that I am missing out on. More importantly, .he chose to leave my life so he doesn’t get to view it from afar. My stepmom strongly encouraged me to delete him from following me, like I did the last time. I am consciously aware that I am being a half-stupid girl right now. Half, because I’m making good decisions and not falling for anyone or anything…words or actions and because I want to keep a connection of some sorts that I know should be severed. I will figure it all out…On my way home with all these emotions flowing, I found it extremely cathartic to literally yell out songs at the top of my lungs. I wanted to cry but my energy wasn’t a crying was more of a tension and anger energy. And what do you know, it helped. I need to get this sadness, anger, tension, whatever out of my body somehow. Yoga class tomorrow morning thank goodness!!! Goodnight.

Weekend Update

Hey, everyone! I find myself writing on this blog less as I begin to cope in different ways, or maybe it is that I’m healing or distracting myself better. I feel like I’m stuck in an old pattern a bit again. I overanalyze myself to the point where I question most everything I do and think. I’m trying to get better with that and listen to my inner voice. This weekend I had trouble getting my schedule and decisions about how to spend my time together. However, I eventually figured it out and had an overall well-balanced weekend, including being back at the gym yesterday, church, time with my friends and time with my family. All-around I’d say solid weekend. I’m dozing off now. Just wanted to check-in. I have more to say but I’m szzzzzzzleepy. Goodnight! Have a kick ass week. I will hopefully write a little later on today or at least by mid week!