Sick Saturday

Hey, everyone! I know I haven’t been writing so much lately because quite frankly I’ve been distracted by working some overtime and just distracting myself enough with people, things, and tasks, that I don’t feel the need to really blog. I realize this is not so healthy…especially on a day of almost complete psychological and physical standstill like today with how physically sick I am feeling. I should put forth a stronger effort to blog at least once a week…no matter what’s going on in my life. I started this very cool journal today called the 5 Minute Journal, which is designed to basically keep me on track with writing daily. I notice that I get thrown off-balance very easily…by people, by events, work, psychological and physical feelings…you name it! Since yesterday after work, I’ve been sick with muscle aches, weakness, stomachache virus thing. I went to the doc today and nothing was really conclusive…why, of course. When my ex was sick right before we broke up (unbeknownst to me at the time…I wouldn’t have done all that I did knowing not only was he brewing with a virus but also with a f*cking breakup), I took really good care of him and he had expressed wanting to take care of me next time I got sick. So here we are…my parents were gone most of the day, no one wants to hang with someone sick, I am not dating him anymore, and my neighbor friend…I actually just don’t care anymore…him not talking to me today was a blessing. I needed him to not talk to me today. It also made me realize that I am actually lonely and that I do miss my ex, but also that I can survive the f*ck on my own! No one can take this loneliness from you. I believe it is a good learning experience to sit through these kinda crappy feelings and realize that you won’t die from them. Nothing is masking these feelings today, especially on a day that I’m sick and perhaps more physically and emotionally needy than usual. My parents came to drop off some tummy friendly foods to me tonight and I am so grateful for that. Other than urgent care, seeing my dad was the only other social interaction I’ve had today. My day at home does not have to be filled with distractions. It was actually filled with thoughts and conscius reflections and changes in them. I experience a lot more clarity when I don’t have a text or phone call to anticipate or if I have to be on someone else’s or any planned or scheduled time. It’s so liberating just being me. Just liberating me can feel lonely, but I want to feel comfort in myself and perhaps comfort in the fact that I’m not codependently relying on others (family, friends, guys, girls) for the next temporary high or social interaction to get me out of my own head. I wish I had spent more of my day like this…but tomorrow, I have another day of rest (besides church, if I’m up to it) so I get a redo (if God decides to wake me up tomorrow, of course) of today. And I plan to use it more wisely and with greater clarity. Goodnight and I thank you for following me consistently, though I can sometimes be rather inconsistent. I accept myself fully for all that I am and for all that I am learning!

Snowday Eve

Ugh tonight I felt restless and achy from working out too much and too hard today. I also have this really annoying habit of picking all of the scabs on my legs so they never heal. It’s like compulsive and satisfying. I feel like I do a lot of things that are compulsive and satisfying in the short-term but I regret doing so in the long-term. I think this skin-picking thing will resolve when I am able to resolve the source of the anxiety behind it. I’m at my parents’ house tonight due to the snowstorm and my town’s silly street parking rules. I’m actually super tired but I had a lot more to talk about, so I will write at a later time.

Having one of those “whyeeee” moments

I’m sitting on my bed now…it’s past 12 AM on Tuesday morning and I’m just thinking and reflecting on the weekend, on work, and on my life at this point in time. Yesterday I went to a reiki share in an area where him and I used to spend a lot of time together. A pub we used to go to is directly across the street from the healing center. Yesterday was also his birthday, which made this trip for energy healing (of all things!) much more difficult for me to take than usual. And, of course my GPS took me on a most unfavorable route home, taking me adjacent to his street before heading on the highway. Life/ Waze always finds a way to challenge me. I glanced across an overpass and saw the dirt road I would turn onto to get to his house. Seriously, what the heck are the odds of that quick glance at that quick time. My trip was like a series of flashbacks of the places we’d used to go to and the times we had together…that I can no longer have and that I absolutely longed for yesterday, not being able to have them anymore–but most importantly, not being able to have them with him. I passed the country club that his family belongs to as well. With the visual and emotional feel of each of these places and the area itself, my heart pounded with anxiety and I nurturingly held my tight and aching chest telling myself that it is going to be OK and that I am healing. And that I will experience true love, faith, and acceptance one day by another, and first and foremost by myself.  My body holds so much heartache and tension from many things in my life.  My memories with him…people, places, and faces…good and bad… are alive and well in my 20-something -year-old body. At this very point in time, I easily have the opportunity to be with a man who will do anything for me, is sweet, kind, caring, and appreciates literally everything that I am and do. I haven’t cried once in the past month since meeting this person. But I don’t want this. I keep him at a safe distance. I want no one…just me…or a even better…if my ex were to all of a sudden be more respectful to me and my family, and unconditionally loving/ accepting. He follows me on Instagram and I don’t know why. It makes me sad to keep such a superficial connection to someone I thought was my soulmate (honestly still do at times). I do not follow him back on Instagram because I don’t want to know what he’s doing, seeing, whatever…that I am missing out on. More importantly, .he chose to leave my life so he doesn’t get to view it from afar. My stepmom strongly encouraged me to delete him from following me, like I did the last time. I am consciously aware that I am being a half-stupid girl right now. Half, because I’m making good decisions and not falling for anyone or anything…words or actions and because I want to keep a connection of some sorts that I know should be severed. I will figure it all out…On my way home with all these emotions flowing, I found it extremely cathartic to literally yell out songs at the top of my lungs. I wanted to cry but my energy wasn’t a crying energy..it was more of a tension and anger energy. And what do you know, it helped. I need to get this sadness, anger, tension, whatever out of my body somehow. Yoga class tomorrow morning thank goodness!!! Goodnight.

Weekend Update

Hey, everyone! I find myself writing on this blog less as I begin to cope in different ways, or maybe it is that I’m healing or distracting myself better. I feel like I’m stuck in an old pattern a bit again. I overanalyze myself to the point where I question most everything I do and think. I’m trying to get better with that and listen to my inner voice. This weekend I had trouble getting my schedule and decisions about how to spend my time together. However, I eventually figured it out and had an overall well-balanced weekend, including being back at the gym yesterday, church, time with my friends and time with my family. All-around I’d say solid weekend. I’m dozing off now. Just wanted to check-in. I have more to say but I’m szzzzzzzleepy. Goodnight! Have a kick ass week. I will hopefully write a little later on today or at least by mid week!

Hi, hi!

Remember me? I’m still here. Living a little bit more than writing these days. I’ve been dedicating more time to my instagram account as well…it doesn’t require me to sit on my butt and mindfully write out what I want to say…I just say it or post it. I find myself being thrown off balance very easily by others. I am trying an approach with others to be supportive of me limiting my distractions so that I can focus on myself and my career at this point in time. Myself and my career should really take precedent at this time. I am mindful that when I see myself slipping, that I can bring myself back in. My SELF and my career are sometimes not the most fun or exciting of topics, but now is the time to do the work I need to do–professionally and personally. I welcome distractions too easily at times and kick myself when I don’t take advantage of the few free hours of my day. It’s all about time management according to what is best for ME! That is my 2 cents for tonight. Grabbing my laundry then off to lalaland! Goodnight 🙂

TGIF

This week was so EXHAUSTING for me for some reason! I fell behind on my paperwork (about to do some of that now), my stomach was funky, and I was just totally exhausted. Tonight I miss him. I hung out with a friend for a little after work to unwind after my long and tiring day today.  All my clients showed today and I received a lot of phone calls in between sessions…a lot of needs to be met by me out there today :/.  I’m just physically tired and want what I had with him…minus the questioning of my intelligence/master’s-level education/occupation/alma mater/emotional stability (really, though?), threat of someone who is “better” (credentials) to come along, and the appropriate ongoing depression as a result. I’m not a victim here. I really should have stood up for myself more and let my true self shine more as well. Now, I tell things like they are and express how I feel. I clearly state when I’m feeling uncomfortable and if the other person doesn’t change their behavior, I leave. ok I’m super tired now…goodnight!

Scary Realization

I just had a scary realization about myself and my codependent behavior. I’m experiencing it right now in real-time. I’m noticing how my body and brain have reacted to a certain delay in communication. My brain sometimes becomes hijacked when someone or something is not distracting it. Why? I would love to know why exactly, but I don’t need to know why to change something. I allow myself to scare the shit out of myself sometimes. If I apply nonjudgment to this current situation, then nothing will change. I freak myself out, so I need to make changes. First step is awareness! Then comes conscious change. And no one can take care of you but you. My heart hurts. I’m feeling emotional today. And I’m letting myself feel it all. I heard a song on the radio on my way to work called “Sorry” by Nothing but Thieves and it reminded me of him (my ex)…there is no significant other or other “him” to be named at this point in time. I will not allow it.  Nor will my heart, or my body, mind or soul. I am thinking about sporting the claddagh ring I bought myself facing towards me to remind myself that it is OK to keep your heart closed and protected and just be with yourself. After all, I am dating myself at this time!

I’m feeling things today…

And I don’t need to text anyone in particular, though old Marie would, and I can sit through everything I am feeling and be OK. I have a reputation for being hasty in my actions and avoiding any negative thoughts and feelings (esp. relating to perceived abandonment) whenever possible. I often give in to these feelings. So it takes me a concerted effort to change my ways. I grabbed a Starbucks today during my lunch break (I actually took one today…#treatyoself) and realized that if something is going to change in my life, then I have to do that something differently than I have been. I notice the physical effects when I mix up my exercise routine, my body changes from what it was before. I’m looking forward to seeing the effects of the psychological changes I am making. Both take a while, but both are worth the effort. I’m almost halfway into my Tuesday…Here goes nothing!

What is going on

I just decided that I need to live in a vacuum or perhaps on house arrest for my own good or sit under a tree for years until I figure things out, like Buddha (the more graceful option). However, how helpful would that be to my healing process anyway…? I don’t live in a vacuum otherwise. I literally told a new friend today that I am confused about my life and life choices, confused about my friendship with them, confused about who I am, and confused what I want to do when I grow up. She didn’t run…I’m surprised. I seriously do not know much about anything right now. I applied to some administrative jobs in the mental health field this past weekend, but I’m not quite sure I want to put conducting therapy on hold… but I am also tired of counseling others and have a considerable amount of work to do on myself. I actually think counseling others can help me with my work on myself. There is no right or wrong answer to any of this. I feel one way one day and I feel entirely different the next…good gut feelings to bad gut feelings and back about almost everything. I’m trying to gain a better understanding of my own inner-being and reactions within me. When something makes me want to run or cringe or makes me feel uncomfortable, I now speak up about it and express my needs and concerns. I’m over the games.  I’m not ready to engage in any type of anything with anyone and I am so proud to say this. I don’t want it. I don’t need it. I will take a friend and an ally in my corner, but nothing more.  This has actually been a constant gut thing for me. I’m just going with the ebb and flow of my life and trying to keep my distractions to a minimum and spend a considerable amount of time alone. Distractions are there for their purpose…to distract from something. For me, distractions can serve as a short-term cover-up or escape from dealing with certin negative or overwhelming feelings. I’m very aware of this and give myself a nice bubble to myself and try to disconnect every so often, so that I can connect with myself. Yoga and meditation really help with this as well! 🙂 So I’m off to sleep soon. I have to wake up early tomorrow to do some notes before yoga class because I allowed myself to become distracted tonight. Goodnight!

Snowy Snuggly Solitary Saturday

Hey, everyone! It’s a snowy night in Central NJ! I woke up feeling achy and tired and didn’t get out of bed to make it to any yoga class this morning (there were lots of options). I listened to my body and didn’t push it. I allowed myself some slack…I made a protein-rich breakfast (after a Friday in Lent) and decided to go grocery shopping because I didn’t feel like moving around too much yet. Trader Joe’s and Shop Rite were so crowded and I felt so cranky about all of these people around me, what they wore, and what they drive. I’m usually pretty joyous, sociable, and outgoing but was feeling grumpy and impatient. I was also feeling not enough. I also had gotten into an unecessary argument with my stepsister in the morning. I have a complicated family dynamic and it appears that my stepmom, stepsister, and I have landed in the same field of work. I’m not really OK with this, as I am significantly different than them in many aspects, including personality. Not being blood-related and raised differently, this makes perfect sense.  With receiving my advanced professional license on the horizon, I have been wracking my brain about the next step. With this brain-wracking comes the voice of not just my own thoughts/ core beliefs, but others’ as well. I’m trying to figure out what it is that I want to do. I am 27, so I feel that I have to make a move soon! My ex’s mom did not fail to tell me this or tell me to go to business school. Some people say I need more schooling and intensive training, others say life experience, no one is saying I am enough right now. Not even me. I’m restless. I want that house in a suburban town. I want that nice car. I want that entrepreneurial lifestyle. I do not know how or what at this point! I feel that I’m not focusing on the right things tonight and that I’m not centered. My brain confuses me about my changing opinions on others and my brain is comfortable in codependent ways. I think I’m relying on my neighbor too much. I realized today that there is something about male energy that I am attracted to…as a friend. He’s a caretaker like me and like a big brother now that the boundary has been set. He’s the type of guy that will be there for me to help me because I am a nice person and have always kept it respectful. It doesn’t mean I have to rely on this at ALL. I also enjoy talking about my apartment complex’s drama that I didn’t know about now! lol… I mindfully have stopped texting with everyone at a certain time tonight. What the HECK does Marie want anyway? She needs to figure it out soon. Thank goodness she has the opportunity to spend much time alone to figure this out if she uses this time wisely! I think a mindful meditation would be a stellar idea on this snowy night. Goodnight, everyone! Thank you for being a part of this journey with me. 🙂